


Schlong-a-Dong-Doodle-Gong

by ibreathethroughwords



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, M/M, Masturbation, Terrible on purpose, bad euphemisms, euphemisms for body parts, i was dared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 23:40:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12398637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibreathethroughwords/pseuds/ibreathethroughwords
Summary: When BJ-0420’s bunkmate DP-6969 is late to return to their shared bunk, he takes his heat-seaking moisture missile into his own hands.(I am so sorry.)





	Schlong-a-Dong-Doodle-Gong

**Author's Note:**

> “I can’t believe you talked me into this.” -Probably what will be on my tombstone  
> “I can’t believe you agreed.” -Probably what will be on **[former friend’s name redacted]**
> 
> A former friend requested this piece of shit. I loved it at the time and feel nothing but shame for it now. On the off-chance it makes someone laugh, I will leave it up. Behold my shame.

It was rare that DP-6969 and BJ-0420 ever had time off: let alone together. They shared quarters in their small backwater garrison. Everyone did - even the base commander wasn’t immune - due to the lack of space. When the two of them had been reassigned here the room had just been converted from a closet. Their cots were pushed together and zip-tied to create one large bed. It worked well to keep them warm at night.

Or that was what they had been told.

They were frequently assigned different shifts and different rest days. 

Beej hated it. The two of them had gone through the Imperial Academy together, gone off to stormtrooper training together, and been close friends for years now. Neither of them had any living relatives, no girlfriends, no boyfriends, and it was just each other. 

Command had said they could get married.

Dee-pee was still thinking it over.

The sex was good though.

With a heavy sigh Beej sat down on his side of their cot. There was little room between the cot and the wall - just enough to get out of his armor and blacks - and he dealt with that mess properly before cleaning up in their small refresher. 

Finding he was still alone when he came out put him in a worse mood. Dee-pee was supposed to be back by now. ‘ _Fuck it,_ ’ he thought, and spread out on the bed. ‘ _I can start without him._ ’

It didn’t take two stormtroopers to unload a rifle, after all. Beej slid his hands over his muscular chest first. Toying with his hair and nipples felt good and there was no rush yet to go farther below. His single barreled pump-action rifle was hardly rarin’ to go just yet, and he was the kind of man who liked to work himself up first. An orgasm was always better - in his humble opinion - if he could get his little soldier at attention before he took it in hand. 

Beej was damn near to the point of taking himself in hand when the door finally opened and Dee-pee walked in.

“You started beating baby arm without me?” the taller man complained as he pulled off his helmet and locked the door. “Beej, you know I’ve dying to get my mouth on your flesh flute all damn week.”

“You’re the one who’s late, not me,” Beej replied, lazy stroking his fingers up and down the length of his meat stick. He reached under his lover’s pillow for the lube so he could coat his fingers with it. “You’d better get that armor off if you want to help me at all.”

The look Dee-pee gave him was intense like a walking star: the resulting shiver went right through Beej’s dome-headed demon. Too impatient to wait any longer, he pushed two fingers into his elastic pork pocket with a loud moan. Dee-pee swore at the sight and stripped all his armor and his blacks off in record time and joined him on the bed. He leaned down for a steamy kiss before straddling Beej’s chest and letting him get his fuck hog hard by lapping at the head with his tongue. When it wasn’t quite enough for Dee-pee he moved so he could pull Beej onto all fours. At that angle it was easier for the shorter man - his gorgeous, horny lover - to take his piss weasel into his mouth and suck.

They were quiet while Beej worked. Dee-pee wasn’t much of a dirty talker and he was bad at it. Beej was better at it, but his mouth was currently full. When they first got together, Dee-pee had needed to teach him not to talk with his mouth full of choad. Now that his lover was well-mannered and well-trained, he was really considering marrying him. 

Beej sure did know how to take a mouthful of schlong dongadoodle.

When he was good and ready to fuck his lover, Dee-pee pulled his slutty mouth off his custard launcher, and slapped his plump ass cheeks to get him to turn around. 

“I’m ready for you,” Beej panted, looking back over his shoulder at Dee-pee. “Please don’t make me wait.”

“You need my tan banana in you, darling?” he asked as he grabbed the lube and slathered it on his trouser snake.

Beej nodded, green eyes wide and desperate. He hoped Dee-pee would give it to him now. 

When those big hands gripped his hips tight enough to bruise he knew he was going to get exactly what he wanted. Dee-pee pushed his meter long King Kong dong into his sausage pipe and Beej almost fainted from the sheer joy of being stretched like that. He screamed when Dee-pee pressed a finger in alongside it because of the pleasure/pain. 

“Oh fuck!” he yelled. “I can feel your flute-and-pipe ogre all the way in my soul!”

“I know you feel full, baby,” Dee-pee moaned breathlessly into his shoulder as he began to move. When he got tired of fucking Beej in that position he shifted so that he was kneeling and Beej was squatting in his lap, sitting on the mercy seat. He fucked him so hard he felt like they both had the ability to infer significance in something devoid of detail. The wall behind their bed was normally so gray and boring but when he was fucking Beej like this, so hard, bouncing him up and down on his lap rocket so hard that _Dee-pee_ was seeing stars -

He felt the tightness around him in Beej’s well of dreams that meant he was cumming and Dee-pee emptied his steamin’ semen truck into him in response.

They collapsed onto their sides when they were finished, and Dee-pee let his thunder sword slide out of Beej’s velvet vice when it softened. In a few minutes they’d be arguing over who had to change the sheets, but right now? It was nice to just curl up together and enjoy the bliss that came from finally getting to schlong-a-dong-doodle-gong.

**Author's Note:**

> I am only slightly sorry. Follow my writing blog @ibreathethroughwords. Be as ashamed to know me as I am.
> 
> ETA 5/29: A comment in the last 24 hours reminded me this piece of shit existed. I have un-gifted it (take-backs exist on the internet. HA!) and removed mention of the former friend’s name who had requested it as I would prefer to have no association with them.


End file.
